Archive for the 'Writing and Poetry' Category

The City

Posted in Arts and Culture, Journal Entry, Photography, Writing and Poetry on April 25th, 2009 by Angel Villanueva

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The term urban grit, like most labels, functions as a kind of cognitive shorthand, a free admission pass to the claim of understanding what it describes. It has a faint ring of the inevitable, but it mostly conveys the notion of an evil that can be avoided through a careful routing of our experiences, should we be so fortunate.

The city resists this idea. From the loose debris unevenly coating the streets—a debris that includes human lives—to the steel and glass cages poised like great vessels in the sky, the city unfolds as a continuum, a tapestry with no clear edges. Urban grit as a realm is the result of a process, and it becomes integral to the world that cradles it. There will always be something occupying that space, and that something will always escape the boundaries of notion.

Like an interplanetary spacecraft, cutting across orbits, I traverse the city periodically and gather more data with each pass. Returning from each harvest, in the late hours of the night, I compare the readings in my memory with those captured by the lens. Rather than matching, they complement each other. A different picture emerges each time. It is like observing from the inside the ceaseless inner workings of a giant, undying organism, sprawled over the land. The city is far more than a structure: it is a living process… Its nature reveals the basic traits of the creatures that give rise to it and sustain it, and which it in turn sustains and consumes. The city is nature, in a different guise.

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I also find it useful to think of the city as a weather system. Here, currents meet and coalesce, sometimes becoming storms, sometimes merely dissipating in the night’s breeze. At any moment, a tenuous string may suggest itself between two entities, threading its way through the links between others.

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He’s following me, I think. Three blocks, four galleries, perusing some of the same artworks. Our eyes meet a few times. His are blue, intense or just cold I can’t say… No smile. Faces and voices around us become transparency and silence.

Strange alchemy.

I start to envision possible outcomes; including, why not, my lifeless remains in a body bag.

I recall a similar scenario, a lifetime ago it seems… It began in the desert , under a merciless sun, amidst a dense ocean of people. I think of that story and all that it meant.

I walk on.

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Lamento

Posted in En Español, Writing and Poetry on April 12th, 2008 by Angel Villanueva

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La carga de recuerdos apilados
A lomos de mi cuerpo y armadura
Aunados a la percepción que augura
A esta triste figura de Cervantes
Quijote de los ánimos andantes
Los puntos suspensivos de futura
La contraportada de un recuento
Caerá como las últimas de otoño
Las hojas que arrastradas por el viento
Son el cadáver de lo que fue un retoño

Me siento aquí, a la orilla de este lago
Arde en mis pupilas un lamento
En rachas de injusticia me deshago
Extracto de dolor es el momento
Que no hay más que este eterno desconsuelo
Que no hay más que memorias de una risa
Y sombras que se arrastran por el suelo
Presagios del gran buitre que aterriza
Que sobre mi cadáver se aposenta
Que sobre mi silencio se derrama
Que a través del hilván de otra violenta
Mercenaria inquietud me desinflama
Mis ímpetus se lleva para siempre
Hacia la noche eterna que me aguarda
Cuando cante emplumada la serpiente
Cuando en vano fulgor el hielo arda
Cuando en el horizonte se halle un hueco
Cuando no quede más que otra emboscada
Punto final donde se extingue el eco
Martirio errático de la jornada

Allá esperaré como si nada
A que me alcance rapaz pero sin prisa
Vejez o enfermedad inesperada
Eventualidad que me desprenda
De este fugaz regalo que he bebido
Que he tocado, masticado y escupido
Libertad en que me hallo sumergido
Existencia del todo planetaria
Del todo efímera, del todo agraria
Burlesca incomprensible e insensible
Merodeante y retórica, insensata
De todo y de nada predecible
Alegórica y bruja enajenada
Aquella lágrima tornasolada
Que en la faz de una verde hoja se posa
Y que al evaporarse me destroza
Me desgrana y se lleva mi alborada
Mis esperanzas en la madrugada
En el momento en que el cielo se hace negro
Segundo en que el olvido me suplanta
Sobre el desierto el polvo se levanta
Y la rugosa opacidad del viento
Sin cantar, ni mentir, me vuelve nada

~A.V.

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Minotaur

Posted in Dreams, Writing and Poetry on February 6th, 2008 by Angel Villanueva

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I emerge into a night in the remote past.

Something smoky and acrid about the place, as if everything had been replicated correctly except the smell: the scent makes me think of an industrial plant. I expected antiquity to smell dry and dusty, like an ancient scroll pulled from a cave by the Dead Sea.

I am not part of the tableau. Perhaps I am merely a set of eyes in a fresco on the wall.

It is a bar, a meeting place for men. It is very dark in spite of the torches, as if the light had to fight its way through liquid. Tall wooden stools and tables, stone floors and pillars. The space is long and narrow and mostly empty. There are maybe a dozen patrons, all of them young Olympian athletes. Their bodies are muscular and graceful, bare under short sleeveless robes, feet clad in sandals. They lounge about the space, their youth and the outlaw nature of the place evident in their air of nervous uncertainty. They do not speak. They are not here for each other.

When he walks in, the space becomes charged with tension, a silent mix of terror and fascination running through the young men. He moves with the destructive self-confidence of a volcano, all thunder and internal fire, his stride the summation of masculine arrogance. With casual calculation, he takes the center spot.

He is far more massive than them, all biceps, pectoral muscles, and giant thighs. His legs are dark, and they are lost into the dark below. The head is monstrous: a bull head made of shadow, his face is shadow, and like shadow it reflects nothing back. Around the pinpoints of light in his eyes the silhouette of it is a vacuum of darkness, more a portal to oblivion than the head of a bull. The set of curved horns at his crest end in sharp tips, their glossy surface increasingly coarser as it approaches the thick root, a handlebar of death, so strong and solid it could probably break through the very rock walls that enclose us in the night.

The Minotaur is here to pick up dinner.

He could have all of them right here, but he prefers to play with his prey. Both hunter and bait, he waits for them to approach him: he knows their fascination will eventually outweigh their fear. And they are all visibly mystified, although caution keeps them at a distance. “Not for long,” seems to be his thought, as his head turns from one meaningless detail of the place to the next. It is fascinating to watch that massive bovine head move so gracefully, so unified, so effortlessly supported by that great dark neck protruding from human shoulders.

To any of the young men, approaching the beast would mean certain death, but his magnetic allure makes them want to believe otherwise. Soon, one of them will give in, come close enough, and be swept off into the night, never to return.

But not tonight.

The newcomer walks in with a difference kind of confidence: the confidence of purpose. He is oddly dressed for the setting: he wears dark pants and a sort of vest made of black leather straps, a garment clearly meant to hold weapons. He is very pale, his head is clean shaven and there is a stern look on what would otherwise be a handsome face. He is also muscular, more than the young men, but not as large as the beast. His arms are covered in symbols, the shapes outlined with remarkable precision against the white skin. There is a contained energy to his movements that reveals training.

He stops a few feet from the beast. The Minotaur turns to face him, and freezes… it is impossible to know what thoughts are forming in the deep, dark nebula behind the pinpoints of light.

When the man speaks, the anger in his voice is the first sound to pierce the silence of the night:

“I knew I’d find you here, you goddamn floozy! Get in the car!”

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Silence

Posted in Dreams, Journal Entry, Writing and Poetry on April 11th, 2007 by Angel Villanueva

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The children had been missing for four years. One day they showed up at their parent’s front door, as if nothing had happened.

They will not speak at all.

As we enter the experimental facility I am puzzled by the presence of multiple polyglass walls defining an enclosure that extends beyond my field of vision.

I am part of a team, three other people walk in with me: a doctor, a psychologist, and a reporter. I am the artist. We will each evaluate the children, then our reporter will compile our findings and submit them to the powers that be.

We turn a corner and the kids’ enclosure comes into full view: the girl is about twelve years old, the boy eight or nine. Their glass prison is filled with toys and comfortable furniture, just like a normal living room, here awash in clinical light. There are cameras and massive banks of electronic equipment beyond the transparent walls.

I wonder what the reason is for keeping the children in a bulletproof cage.

The boy sits on the carpeted floor. His eyes are fixed on me. As I am cleared to enter the glass enclosure I recognize him.

Years back, before his disappearance, we played with crayons and paper at someone’s house, at some sort of gathering, perhaps a birthday party. We doodled and colored farmhouses, mountains, trees, cattle, flowers, birds… I remember he was perfectly articulate and extremely bright.

He stands up and goes to a corner, where he keeps a box and a big sketchpad. He takes them and walks back, sits where he was before, and looks at me again. It’s almost a command. I walk over and sit next to him. He opens the box: it is full of crayons. He then finds a blank page in the sketchpad. He does not invite me to draw with him. Instead, he picks a crayon without even looking to see what color it is, and gives me a look that can only mean: Are you paying attention?

I realize with a chill that he is about to tell me, in drawings, what happened to them during those four years.

::

That’s it. That’s when I woke up. My subconscious mind often weaves these mysteries and then catapults me back to daylight without an answer. It somehow feels perversely planned… I tried falling back asleep, concentrating as much as I could on the last image in the dream, but of course that would not happen. Nothing left to do but write the vision down before it faded into nothingness.

~A

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The Great Flood

Posted in Dreams, Journal Entry, Writing and Poetry on April 3rd, 2007 by Angel Villanueva

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Claremont is flooded. I don’t understand how this happened. I am chest-deep in water under a deeply overcast sky. All that is left of the Claremont Village are fragments of buildings protruding from the waters. Even the trees are gone. There are other people walking around in the water at some distance, here and there, each of them lost in a search. The mountains have disappeared as well. I am in the middle of an endless ocean, the silver smooth surface of the water extending as far as the eye can see in every direction, a liquid horizon all around. I recognize the archipelago of dilapidated ruins around me as the Claremont Colleges, ironically self-proclaimed Islands of Beauty, now nothing more than piles of rubble surrounded by a silent sea.

I start walking through the water, not sure of where I’m going. I am near the partially collapsed shingle roof of what was once a church, fragments of its once quaint wooden architecture now dark with moisture, the ruins of a spire sticking miserably out of the water like a forgotten hope. To my surprise, as I walk by it, I find my dog. Rose swims out through an opening in the broken spire to meet me. She is as happy to see me as I am to see her, swimming circles around me in joy. Her radiant whiteness is a welcome and uplifting sight in this grayscale nightmare. I don’t want her to swim away so I hold her. She feels big in my arms when I restrain her, but she stays there paddling the water softly and does not try to get away.

People call out to me from a distance, waving their hands. I hear them but there is a strange, muffled and increasingly louder noise in the air drowning out their voices. I tilt my head to hear better, try to decipher what they are screaming, but I can’t make out the words. The noise is turning into a roar. One terrified-looking man points to the north. I turn to see what he’s pointing at, and find my emotions flattened by awe…

Spanning the entire horizon, an immense wall of water approaches, shining like an enormous ripple on a sheet of polished steel. It is a tsunami of epic proportions, the likes of which humanity has never seen. I can see foam flying off its crest and sea birds riding the air wave in front of it as it gets closer, covering more and more of the sky every second. The realization is instantaneous: the endpoint of my human fate, the moment of complete annihilation, is here, and there is no escaping from it. Even if I survived the force of the crush, I could never swim my way to the surface in the chaos that will follow. I comprehend this so readily and on such a profound level that I accept it instantly. Death is on its way, and its utter inevitability leaves me at peace to enjoy the wondrous sight of its arrival.

But the dog in my arms has a different idea.

Rose’s eyes are fixed on the oncoming wave. It does not scare her. She is focused, determined. Suddenly I feel like I am looking at her for the very first time, and as I do, I am reminded of her true nature. Rose is a Labrador, a fisherman’s dog thinly disguised as a pet, a tight 70 pounds of lean muscle, head like a seal, tail like an otter, wrapped in a waterproof coat and equipped with the same webbed feet that enabled her distant Northern ancestors to swim tirelessly through freezing waters, making their way across tangled roots and floating seaweeds, helping their masters to drag fishing nets ashore. Rose, St. John’s dog, hears her genes calling out to her in the moment of truth and eagerly responds in kind. Her waterdog paws tread the water in nervous anticipation, like a racehorse held at the gate. Hold onto me, I’ll get us through this. The realization is at once surprising, humbling, and deeply moving. Tears cloud my vision as the truth of the moment is revealed: Rose is here to save my life.

Deafened by the approaching roar of the tsunami, I hold onto Rose, take a deep breath, and wait for the crush.

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From the Dream Journal
April 3, 2007

Prognosis

Posted in En Español, Writing and Poetry on March 5th, 2006 by Angel Villanueva

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Me gusta estar aquí porque es tan diferente… Los sofás son de piel café, suaves, mullidos. La mesita es de mimbre, hay plantas, y máscaras africanas en la pared. Luciérnagas vuelan entre los restos de jungla que rodean este espacio. Música clásica endulza el ambiente mientras espero.

Más allá la obscuridad es impenetrable.

Llaman mi nombre. Es hora de pasar al consultorio. La enfermera me devora fríamente con sus ojos de turquesa, su peinado excesivo se eleva hasta el cielo, rodeado de nubes a su cumbre. De pronto llueve sobre sus hombros, mojándole el uniforme. El breve aguacero pasa y brilla el sol en sus montañas. Pájaros cantan como si acabara de amanecer.

“Párese aquí por favor”. Me subo a la balanza y sus manos expertas juegan con los contrapesos, investigando la intensidad de mi enlace con la tierra.

“No se observan signos de anti-gravedad” dice como para sí misma mientras escribe. Me toma del codo y emprende la carrera, me elevo como una cometa por los aires mientras ella corre cuesta abajo por la verde pradera, jalándome del brazo que se ha convertido en un hilo. Desde aquí arriba puedo ver un gran lago de plata y percibo el murmullo de los bosques al otro lado, adivinando las criaturas en sus ramas que me observan al vuelo con una mezcla de temor y fascinación. Soy un símbolo en el cielo sin significado tangible. Ella se detiene a la orilla del lago y yo desciendo poco a poco, dando volteretas como una pluma, aterrizando en la realidad súbita de una voz que me cuestiona.

“¿Cuándo fue la última vez que sintió el terremoto?” pregunta el doctor. Las palabras vibran a través de mi madera como golpes consecutivos de martillo.
“Anoche” contesto. “Fue horrible. El suelo se fue, muy lejos, y regresó en una ola de destrucción. Las casas volaron en pedazos. Los únicos sobrevivientes fueron los muñecos de trapo.”
“Trapo” dice el doctor. La rana en su hombro me mira estupefacta. “Yo también fuí de trapo…” dice con su vocecita apenas audible.”Hm-hmmm… ¿Estrellas fugaces?” pregunta sospechoso.
“Se han ido” reporto tristemente.

El doctor escribe jeroglíficos con salsa de soya sobre un pergamino de papel arroz. Llega una racha de viento heladísima, y me vuelvo hacia los Alpes al norte, dirigiéndoles una agria mirada acusatoria. A pesar del frío el sol brilla intenso, y temo que el hielo bajo nuestros pies se quiebre bajo el peso del escritorio y nos precipitemos hasta el fondo a través del zafiro líquido del lago.

“Por aquí por favor”. El doctor me dirige a la mesa de examinación. Me acuesto mientras él mueve una lámpara sobre mi cara. La luz me ciega y por un instante estoy parado sobre rieles de cara a un tren que se aproxima bufando furioso en medio de la noche. Parpadeo para regresar. Pasa una cabeza mecánica por encima de mí, de la frente a los pies, y de regreso. La cabeza se ladea y se rasca confundida. Luego continúa. En una pantalla gigante se proyecta mi interior. Varias personas observan en sus asientos, comiendo palomitas, señalando la imagen y haciendo comentarios de vez en vez. De pronto todos exclaman entusiasmados ante la última proyección: justo en el centro, bajo mis costillas, hay una gran boca que se abre y cierra, entretejiendo hilos de baba entre sus dientes afilados.

“Respire hondo”. Respiro una primavera completa con polen y mariposas, flores endémicas y frutas verdes que empiezan su camino a la madurez bajo la luz del sol.

Exhalo un hálito de hojas muertas.

“Muy bien” dice el doctor. “De nuevo…” Respiro un océano verdeazul que vibra con las canciones de cetáceos milenarios. Entre los rayos de luz que se pierden en la obscuridad de su fondo se vislumbran verdades de sirena que observan a una distancia segura.

Exhalo un río de polución aceitosa.

“Respire normal.” El estetoscopio trepa por mi espalda aferrado a mi piel con sus piernitas de insecto, mientras el doctor sigue escuchando atento. “Tiene usted remolinos de fuego en los pulmones,” me dice, “lo que ocasiona un intenso deseo por lo imposible. Eso se apaga por sí sólo, poco a poco. Pase para acá por favor.”

Mi piel expuesta dentro de una esfera de acero. Docenas de finos cables se extienden desde mi superficie hacia las paredes, adheridos por hojas de yerbabuena pegadas con cera a mi cuerpo, a mis brazos, a las puntas de mis dedos. El doctor ha dibujado una rosa sobre mi frente. Puntos de luz van y vienen por las fibras. En la pared de metal se abren grandes ojos soñolientos, se sumergen de nuevo contra el fondo gris. Y empiezo a recordar. Por mis extremidades empieza a colarse un calor blando que se dirige a mi centro y me retiene, me impide desbocarme en mis memorias. Me dejo llevar. Vuelan las luciérnagas de nuevo, las paredes se transforman en la jungla. El tibio resplandor en mi interior ha invadido hasta el último rincón. Duermo.

Sentado tras el volante, en el estacionamiento, no puedo resistir. Tomo el sobre que no debería de abrir y lo rompo por un extremo. Saco el papel dirigido al especialista y lo leo. Mi corazón tropieza, cae, se levanta, sigue andando bajo este cielo gris plagado de gaviotas improbables en medio de la ciudad. Grandes gotas de lluvia empiezan a golpear el parabrisas, se deslizan laterales, como las lágrimas que van llenando mis ojos y me impiden ver más.

“El interior del paciente demuestra daños por nostalgia aguda e irreversible. La conciencia es pedregosa, ocasionando bloqueos intermitentes en el flujo de los sucesos. Se detectan remolinos de fuego en los pulmones, causando intensas pasiones episódicas. La morfología del pensar es hipertrófica, predominantemente humanista, con elementos de amargura ocasionando delirios temporales. Prognosis es incierta. Cabe notar que en su noche aún quedan estrellas.”

~A.V.